“Self love is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting.” – William Shakespeare

It’s been said that life is a series of meetings and partings. We greet new people and circumstances sometimes with enthusiasm, but often with trepidation. I mean who doesn’t have some mortal fear of the unknown? That’s human nature; the evolutionary imperative of fight or flight. We meet people and opportunities and assimilate them into the cozy folds of our life and in relatively short order accustom ourselves to their comforting presence. Even negative forces, parasitic relationships and destructive tendencies cozen their way into our hearts and the protective confines of our existences with alarming ease and somehow force us to become dependent upon their presence.

It’s these more noxious circumstances that are of special relevance to me right now. Less because of my own personal life station and more because of the current state of some of my friends’ lives. While the pain of enduring the negative effects of poor habits and pernicious relationships are always more daunting for those experiencing them firsthand, it is a difficult, often traumatic experience to be on the sidelines watching your dear ones withstand the onslaught of self-destruction. So grab a tea and let’s have an e-intervention.

I am a firm believer in the notion that the majority of poor judgement and life’s greatest woes are to some great degree the result of a lack of confidence; a deficit of self worth. Certainly it doesn’t account for all of life’s painful twists and turns, but I do feel strongly that if people had a greater sense of personal value, we would perhaps not visit so many of the dark places our spirits seem so wont to travel. There is a prevailing misconception that perhaps we would each be happier if only we would be less demanding, less picky; less exacting in our standards. However, that is a fallacy; the great deception. An observation I made some time ago, after much analysis, was that the happiest people I know, have high, but realistic expectations of themselves and those around them. Watch an episode of Jerry Springer and see how a lack of surety regarding one’s worth leads a person to a place of neglect, abuse, and bad hair.

So after watching a dear friend of mine carry her precious heart down a dark and lonely path, I found myself brokenhearted. She gave her priceless soul to someone so unworthy of it and found herself in a state of pain so deep that neither Cymbalta nor Sephora could ease the sting. She had affixed herself to a man of low character who is sorely lacking in concience and clothing taste. Not to mention the fact that the VAST majority of his Facebook profile pics were ones of him flashing his shirtless form with his mediocre flesh greased to man-whore perfection. Girls, any man so in love with his own pectoral muscles is one to be shunned with all avidity. Run–don’t walk–to your nearest girlfriend and self-medicate with all the facials and mani-pedis your little heart can handle. He will break you; he will use you up and leave you withered. I don’t care who you are–you are better than that.

No one will respect your worth if you don’t.

Nostalgia is a two-edged sword. The good Lord gave it to us to file the precious memories of our pasts into the gilded recesses of our hearts. But it is a blessing that–if not handled correctly–can quickly mushroom into a full-blown toxin. It can be pervasive and seep into the negative memories we have regarding a person or experience and somehow airbrush them into a state of romanticized memory. In short: we can find ourselves remembering things better than they were. Humans can often succumb to the tempting lure of nostalgia and re-label painful experiences as positive. We neglect to remember the tears and the searing pain of neglect, disappointment and betrayal and cling to the belief that we are somehow depleted without the presence of this person or circumstance in our lives.

My suggestion? Cry your river of tears, build a bridge and cross it. Get over it. It’s succinct, but not mean or insensitive. It’s short and sweet to illustrate how simplistic it really is. It’s not impossible, in fact it’s very possible. Out of the billions of people on this planet, there are scores of people who can love and appreciate each of us–flaws and all. There is virtually nothing that we can do that can make us unlovable. The Universe is that perfect. God loves us each despite our tendency to occasionally be d-bags. (Holl-ebonix: slightly less crass reference to the ever-applicable word, ‘douchebag.’ Hey sometimes, it’s really appropriate. ;o)) If God can do this, I think it stands to reason that we can.

So, at least for the time being, embrace the bad memories. Remember with unerring clarity the negatives. This is NOT a long-term plan, as it can lead to a place of dwelling in negativity, but it helps get us over that bridge and out of the place where we go days without bathing and find our eyes distended from the copious shedding of tears. Then, once some perspective begins to gain momentum, we can start to let some of our forgiveness take over.

It’s that anxiety regarding the unknown. Sometimes we are so overcome with fear–fear that we’ll be nothing without that person–that we’re paralyzed. But using this tool of a more realistic memory, allows us to gets to a point where we can come to the incredibly obvious realization: “Hey, I’m going to be just fine. I’ll be better off without that dirtbag!”

And guess what: you will be. Know that it’s not a sin to love someone deeply. It is, however, among the greatest of sins to not love yourself. If you can love and accept someone else, why can’t you extend that same compassion to yourself? Why not cleave to the idea that maybe–just maybe–you’re worthy of being happy and making someone else happy. Someone in this great, populated planet who can love you for your quirks and foibles and embrace you–part and parcel. If you don’t think they exist, you are wrong; very, very wrong. Given my past, if I can say that then there’s some serious truth to that statement.

So, clean yourself up. Take that long-neglected shower and throw on your most glamorous makeup, despite whatever lack of desire you feel to do it. Trust me: you will feel better. Call your closest friends and let them rally around you. They love you and want the privilege of picking you up and pointing you in the right direction.¬† Exercise, laugh, take up a new hobby and write in a journal. In this journal dedicate a page or two to all the reasons why this person is not for you. All the reasons why you’re glad they’re now someone else’s problem ;o) Then, for good measure, maybe toss out a prayer to the Universe for this person and the poor unwitting soul who’s going to be stuck with them next. Sing at the top of your lungs and shave your sexy legs.

And remember this: something better is just around the corner. I promise. And I’m never wrong… :*)

XOXO

hollie

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